I have been taking a break from social media the last couple of weeks, in order to face my fears.
I think if I’m honest with myself, I use social media way more to numb out and block one of my greatest fears I live with today. That fear is from my medical past. My medical past that included being in the hospital last year with internal bleeding so massive, I received 3 blood transfusions in 24 hours. Once I found out I had a tumor blocking my small intestines and it had to be removed ASAP, I don’t think I have ever fully mentally recovered from this trauma. Awaiting for a month to find out if I had cancer or not, was an experience hard to explain to anyone. And at times it overwhelms me that I have had 2 near death experiences in the hospital now, and leaves me feeling so helpless and alone. Saying that I know I am so lucky to have dodged the cancer bullet. And I have had a wonderful recovery and healing process. But it’s like those little cracks of anxiety that sneak up on you…that can really just throw a wrench in your day, week or even year.
Release Your Fears, watercolor on canvas paper.
Although I do a lot of things to really positively go about my day-from journaling, meditating, praying in the morning, to walking 45 minutes-hour outside everyday, eating healthy and doing what I love day in and day out, I still am human. And the trauma can easily be triggered-just from simple everyday things like going to the bathroom. Or a small feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I want to spiral out and have a full blown panic attack. And I think for the last 6 plus months of COVID, I literally numbed out the quiet feeling that can often terrify me. Because, I do love quiet oddly enough. I love taking breaks to do what I love, and not have anything to prove to anyone. To work on a new body of work uninterrupted. To really remember what life is like before the smart phone days! But I know I get a bit of both now because of my past….sometimes those fears come through and somedays I just have a peaceful, good day.
Not only was I trying to face these fears…my commercial work was also getting to be super defeating. I first didn’t get a job I was vetted for with a brand that I love. Then I was faced with what felt like a punch in my gut….one of my hugest career setbacks to date happened over the course of many months during COVID. I am working hard to learn from my mistake. Legally I cannot talk about it. But let’s just say that it was for a huge client, and it’s made me rethink how to create. And that’s why you saw me create differently a few months back, because I know I am going to take this PIVOT the universe has extended me and be the BADASS ARTIST I AM FOR LIFE!!
Overcoming Defeat, ink on paper.
I will always, ALWAYS be the first person to want others to learn from me, and If I did something wrong I work my butt off to fix things. (Just take a look at my Etsy shop customer service for over a decade…only 1 negative review of over 2k reviews and 12k sale. And that is due to my respect and love for my customers) My blood boiled for a moment there. I felt so many things…and knew I needed the break from social media to really face a lot fears. Instead of just blocking it all out. I also wanted to create a new body of work…and really build myself back up using my positive thinking and manifesting abundance as much as possible. Because if there is anything I know…when life throws me a curve ball, I might strike out but I guarantee you I’ll be back at that base hitting a home run! I know being an artist means I will have career highs and lows. I know art will always be a controversial subject. But I am dedicated to helping others learn from me, and know that I can have huge successes but that doesn’t mean I won’t fail or make mistakes, or have people make me question my worth or talent.
My IG break is about over, and I hope that the new work can inspire you. I did a series of figure studies that I love. Here are a couple that I created that really capture the feelings of fear and overcoming them. When the world knocks me down, I will always be true to this gift that has allowed me to overcome every road block I have encountered in life. So I know now, that this is apart of my story moving forward.
Facing my fears head on, is the only way I can move ahead. And anyone who is facing your fears right now, know you are not alone. And you are brave and I am proud of you. I hope my blog can be a letter to you during your time of need. Pass on love and hope always!
xo
Jess